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BREAKING: Konami Hints at Contra Reboot Despite Rumors of Domestic Violence

June 3, 2011 by BLAKEBUCK

Konami unveiled several secrets earlier today its pre-E3 press event: Metal Gear Solid Snake Eater 3D, more about a new Zone of the Enders project, pestilence and a Silent Hill HD Collection.  Yet perhaps the biggest secret remained unanswered – the continued rumors of brutality against adoring Contra fan and wife, pills Mrs. Konami.

At the press event Mrs. Konami, who wore a large hat and glasses in a vain attempt to hide bruises about her face, looked visibly shaken.  This, just two weeks after an anonymous source alleged that Konami frequently relishes in the masochistic beating of those who love Contra the most.

During the conclusion of the trailer, as a fireball crisscrossed the screen and formed the iconic flaming C logo, Mrs. Konami shrieked, “Not again!” and began to sob.  But she quickly gained her composure, and after the event was timidly optimistic during an interview.

“Sure, he’s relapsed a few times.  There was Neo Contra, and Contra: Legacy of War.  And Shattered Soldier.  Sweet Jesus, I forgot about Shattered Soldier,” Mrs. Konami said as she shuddered, looking nervously around the room.

While reports are still unconfirmed, experts believe that abuse may be occurring due to a psychological affliction known as “series sadism disorder”.  It occurs when a once successful intellectual property has failed to reboot so many times, the publisher begins taking its aggressions out on fans directly.

In recent years the disorder has overcome many once-popular franchises, resulting in the 2009 ‘Sonic Snuff Scandal’ involving the alleged beating and rape of Amy Rose.  However, for some collapsed franchises, there’s hope.  After years of rehabilitation, WB Games was able to successfully revive the Mortal Kombat series.

In a telephone interview, Mortal Kombat creator Ed Boon offered sympathy, saying “It’s hard to do – but you have to bring the franchise back to it’s roots.  I put out complete shit for 15 years, and loved every minute of it. Now, though, I’ve found the path.  And MK’s doing really well.  But damn do I miss wasting money and disappointing fans.  And the coke.”

Still, despite the rumors and defeated appearance, Mrs. Konami remains optimistic for Contra.  “This time it’s different.  He says he’s finally found his peace with his maker – whoever that is now, he’s had so many,” she said, staring down at her feet.  “I’m crossing my fingers for the rumored Kinect integration.  Yessir.  I can’t wait.”


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