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Judge Not

January 15, 2009 by BLAKEBUCK

Make fart noises.  With your phone.  Hilarious.“The Golden Globes suck now – it’s like I’m watching a fund-raising dinner for scoliosis, stuff not a Hollywood awards show” I said to my brother, prescription who had the Tivo cued to the rather underwhelming awards show.  Perhaps it was my overall disdain for television that had clouded my judgement; all brain heard was, look “And the award goes to… Some actor you’ve never seen before in some show that you heard a few people talk about but no one actually watched!”

“Shut up – everybody knows the Golden Globes are like the precursors to the Academy Awards.  The things that happen tonight can affect who gets the oscar next month”, my brother said. But I wasn’t really listening – I was knee deep into my latest hobby: reading crap reviews of iPhone Apps in the App Store.  iPhone app reviews always go one of two ways: “OMG BEST APP EVER.  I bought it and my life changed forever after that moment” or, of course, the other way, “WTF this app SUCKS.  Crashed constantly, costs too much, and icon looks stupid.  COMPLETE WASTE OF MY PRECIOUS 99 CENTS.  I  demand a refund.  Anybody who likes it must be retarded.”

I was on page three into a review for iFart Mobile, and app that makes farting noises.  I have no desire to have an app that makes farting noises – why on god’s earth am I looking up reviews?  Maybe it’s this homemade margarita my brother made me  – does he even know how to make an alcoholic beverage?  Gassyman100’s review, entitled “BEST APP IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND”, had the following to say: “You show me a man who doesn’t think this app is hilarious, and I’ll show you a gay man.”

Now if only there was a female Hans Gruber...Hahaha!  “I’ll show you a gay man”  Well played sir.  While there’s a part of me that hopes that this review was written in a Andy Kauffman subversive style of comedy, I knew more likely, it was simply written by and idiot.  I began to ponder, “Why is it that any idiot can review an iPhone app?  Or for that matter, even have an opinion?  Who gives Gassyman101 the right to judge the creative efforts of another?”

“And presenting the award for best supporting actress is Rumer Willis, daughter of Demi Moore and Bruce Willis”

“GOOD GOD.  Bruce Willis has a DAUGHTER.  And she is hot.  She even kinda LOOKS like Bruce Willis” I exclaimed like a schoolboy who just peeked into the girl’s locker room.  This revelation seemed lost on my brother, who was busy looking up more Golden Globe predictions online.  But I knew what I just discovered was something quite profound.

“That’s it.  I’m done with all my current career and life aspirations.  I’ve got a new calling.  I’m going to have sex with Rumer Wills – because it’s the closest you can ever come to having sex with Bruce Willis.  Without being gay”

Maybe I’m right, and stupid people should have the right to judge other’s creative works – not in the app store, and not in Hollywood.  But the judges are in on Rumer Willis.  FOUR THUMBS UP.


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