It’s Winter 2006. BDPE needs another video. So I thought, prostate what if William Miller and I played a video game together, ampoule have a few laughs, viagra record it, and put the funny stuff into a video? Seems like a fine enough idea. In fact, I still to this day believe there are some really funny parts of this video.
However, in a half-hearted attempt to promote our site, I posted this video on the forums of SomethingAwful.com . That was not a wise decision. After a several hour flame fest, featuring a wide variety of foul language and grotesque photoshops of my face, I realized that gaining listeners through forum promotion is about as useful as shooting yourself in the dick.
Below are a couple of my favorite photoshops from said flame fest:
Ah, the internet. I love and hate you. All at the same time.
LINK: YouTube Quicktime
“Billy Bob Thorton is in Armageddon? Good god,
this truly is a no-holds-barred, physician
adrenaline-fueled, heart-pounding masterpiece”, I said to my roommate Calvin as I tore open the box to my brand new Rock Band Stage Kit.
My mind continued to churn on the improbability of a NASA director named “Billy Bob”, and how Steve Busceimi continues to get big parts despite his ghoulish face. I then realized that trying to setup this fiendish contraption while watching one of Michael Bay’s top six movies was not proving productive. “That’s it? You paid a hundred bucks for a fog machine and a little LED light?”, Calvin asked.
“Shut up. I can’t hear Liv Tyler’s awful dialogue”, I snapped. Calvin’s lack of faith in a one hundred and seven dollar Xbox synchronized light show was starting to get on my nerves. But that old buyers remorse was slowly creeping up on me. “Why is this cable only four feet long? This is all the fog juice I get? Does this damned thing do anything?” I said, fiddling with the cheap plastic focusing ring.
By the time we’d gotten all the cables hooked up, the guitars plugged in, the fog machine heated up, and turned out the lights, I had already heard that Aerosmith song I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing about eight times. It was finally time to see if this Stage Kit could dethrone my current favorite feature of the Xbox: Netflixing crap movies ALL THE TIME.
“No, don’t do Back in Black – I’ve had enough of that AC/DC pack. How about White Wedding?” I agreed, only slightly saddened that I wouldn’t be breaking this new stage kit in with Freebird. The song starts out simple enough – a few flashing lights somewhat matching the music. I was beginning to worry, until the fog kicked in.
In sixty seconds my living room was transformed into an electrified stage set forROCK GODS. Smoke so thick I could barely see the screen, blinding strobes flashing viciously in my eyes, shimmering beams sliding around the room like psychedelic spotlights. By the time I’d stopped screaming the lyrics at the top of my lungs and jumping off the couch, I swear I could almost smell the tequila soaked vomit on the drunk guy in the third row.
“Oh my god. That was the most amazing thing I’ve ever done” Calvin gasped, trying to catch his breath after all the jumping around in a smoke filled room. And he was right. This is the closest I’d ever get to living the Rock and Roll American Dream.
And when I fall to sleep this night, I know what I’ll be thinking. I don’t want to close my eyes. I don’t want to fall asleep. Because I’d miss you Rock Band Stage Kit, and I don’t want to miss a thing.